I make it through each day singing death or glory. Mostly death but sometimes glory. Screaming relieves stress, makes me feel alive. I never truly feel alive. There's so many problems I just can't describe. It's like I'm being tied down, unmoving, constantly stuck. I need to break free but I just don't know how. Iv'e tried everything and still I'm stuck in the same position I've always been in. The pain is so hard to bare sometimes. I just want to give up but that would be the easy way out. I can't take the easy way out. I'm a fighter. I'm better than this. I'm strong. I can say no and mean it. I don't have to let people walk all over me like i'm the fucking grass. it's okay to say no sometimes but why can't i? even when i want to so badly? i don't know why i have this personal need to constantly please people even if it makes me miserable. shouldn't i be concentrating on pleasing myself? I can't ever make anybody happy if I'm not happy with myself first. You can't love somebody if you don't love yourself. I know these things but yet i still find myself wallowing in depression and hating the person that I am. Individual parts of my life get better but as a whole, I'm still not happy. I guess i have to just take each day one at a time and see where it leads me. Who knows, maybe I'll never be happy. Not one hundred percent at least. I guess I'll find out when I die...whenever that may be. I might end up being the old bitter harpy with all the cats who regrets every decision she made in her life that has brought her to that point. Wouldn't that just fucking suck. I know i have a lot to offer, but i push people away. I don't let people in. I know i could make someone happy as a pig in slop, i could be someones everything but if i continue to isolate myself and continue to keep building this wall around me than I'll never be able to have that opportunity. it's time i start letting people in and asking for help when i need it instead of putting on a fake ass smile and telling everybody i'm fine. It's time that i start doing things for myself.
Even as i sit here writing this...The only thought that is running through the back of my mind is "quit lying to yourself kandee. You know you're not going to do any of these things.:"
why am i always so pessimistic. Can't i just see the glass as being half full for once? Just one time. that's all I'm asking. I have to do it for myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. I have to find happiness...but how?
I'm just so fucking lost. I feel like I'm running through the woods in the blackness of night, tripping and falling at every opportunity. I feel like I'll never escape. I'm falling into a never-ending black whole that is so fucking eager to have me for dinner. I feel like I'm laying in a puddle of tar. I keep pulling my limbs to get free but the black sticky substance just pulls me back in. As soon as i get one limb free, i end up two feet deeper by throwing my body off balance as i try to loosen another.
Covered in tar and poured with feathers. That's how i feel. I feel like the world is laughing at me. Like i'll never be good enough and everybody around me knows it. I've never been good enough so far in my life so what makes me think that I can change that now?
stupidity.. Stupid dreams. Dreams that will never be reality. It's a fantasy world.
1)You will always be more than good enough for me.
ReplyDelete2)I love the imagery of the tar.
3)I love you
4)Madison and I once talked about how the well-educated people(that's us) will never be able to anchor ourselves to one true ideal, because we constantly seek truth. And that in never fully finding it, we are kindred spirits because we are destined to always be unfulfilled, We are brave for being willing to tread in the darker spaces of our souls. This gives us thrill in the moments of discovery, but always leaves us feeling empty when we cannot find a clue to what we seek. You are just in the in-between. This simply means that you are about to stumble upon something great. It is your destiny.