Where do I belong?

I make it through each day singing death or glory. Mostly death but sometimes glory. Screaming relieves stress, makes me feel alive. I never truly feel alive. There's so many problems I just can't describe. It's like I'm being tied down, unmoving, constantly stuck. I need to break free but I just don't know how. Iv'e tried everything and still I'm stuck in the same position I've always been in. The pain is so hard to bare sometimes. I just want to give up but that would be the easy way out. I can't take the easy way out. I'm a fighter. I'm better than this. I'm strong. I can say no and mean it. I don't have to let people walk all over me like i'm the fucking grass. it's okay to say no sometimes but why can't i? even when i want to so badly? i don't know why i have this personal need to constantly please people even if it makes me miserable. shouldn't i be concentrating on pleasing myself? I can't ever make anybody happy if I'm not happy with myself first. You can't love somebody if you don't love yourself. I know these things but yet i still find myself wallowing in depression and hating the person that I am. Individual parts of my life get better but as a whole, I'm still not happy. I guess i have to just take each day one at a time and see where it leads me. Who knows, maybe I'll never be happy. Not one hundred percent at least. I guess I'll find out when I die...whenever that may be. I might end up being the old bitter harpy with all the cats who regrets every decision she made in her life that has brought her to that point. Wouldn't that just fucking suck. I know i have a lot to offer, but i push people away. I don't let people in. I know i could make someone happy as a pig in slop, i could be someones everything but if i continue to isolate myself and continue to keep building this wall around me than I'll never be able to have that opportunity. it's time i start letting people in and asking for help when i need it instead of putting on a fake ass smile and telling everybody i'm fine. It's time that i start doing things for myself.

Even as i sit here writing this...The only thought that is running through the back of my mind is "quit lying to yourself kandee. You know you're not going to do any of these things.:"

why am i always so pessimistic. Can't i just see the glass as being half full for once? Just one time. that's all I'm asking. I have to do it for myself. Nobody else is going to do it for me. I have to find happiness...but how?

I'm just so fucking lost. I feel like I'm running through the woods in the blackness of night, tripping and falling at every opportunity. I feel like I'll never escape. I'm falling into a never-ending black whole that is so fucking eager to have me for dinner. I feel like I'm laying in a puddle of tar. I keep pulling my limbs to get free but the black sticky substance just pulls me back in. As soon as i get one limb free, i end up two feet deeper by throwing my body off balance as i try to loosen another.

Covered in tar and poured with feathers. That's how i feel. I feel like the world is laughing at me. Like i'll never be good enough and everybody around me knows it. I've never been good enough so far in my life so what makes me think that I can change that now?

stupidity.. Stupid dreams. Dreams that will never be reality. It's a fantasy world.

Smoke

Smoke fire burn hurt orange death yellow red waves blue clear depthless cock

(I got interrupted by "Jungle Love" playing which is where the cock came from. haha.)

Freckle brown dirt growth sow seeds of love in your life Green earth trees shrubs scenery vast planes of barren deserts cactus prickly poke thorns red red rose paint the roses red crimson drops blood pools puddle shiny crimson perfectness epic battles waging war swords knives guns metal banging *tink tink* of swords smashing against each other love death war constant conflict forever lost regret beach sun palm trees teal waves crashing against the fine sand of the never ending beaches beaches beaches darkness fills my mind at night loneliness unhappiness black black everything is so dark damp cold muggy basement cowering in the corner drip drip goes a leakey pipe locked pad locked inside trapped no way out end this now where is the sun climb claw fight your way out one day one day at a time constant fight for love, life happiness always acceptance Fear of the unknown fear of the Failure Failure such a Failure why do I even exist no meaning pointless constantly hurting myself others hurting others is tragedy romeo and Juliet suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide always back to suicid constantly on my mind take it away make it go away hate it so much pain blood sweat tears cant do it hurts other people cant hurt others compassion care for others but not self hate self change self act happy put a smile on your face and pretend to be happy no more pretending need real happiness need the sun rain clouds black clouds thunder lightning blue violet flashes in the darkness crack loud deafening where is sun rain pouring drowns out tears covers tears cry alone don’t admit defeat Force happiness wind whipping wildly touseling hair mess mess so much mess sickness death death cut cut but hide it so nobody knows just a little deeper crimson tide take me away pain Coursing through my veigns pulsing crimson sickness onto my pastey white skin red and white red red red more red leads to black death suicide fire why so much death suicid and fire is there a bigger problem than I thought help help do I need help no independence strength do it on your own help=weakness will be strong no help alone sadness battles with my soul iceicles hanging from my cold clad heart glistening blue and white iridescence shiny stainless steel edge sharp skin sharp on skin=bleed crimson red blood pain cold metal hot blood spew pour fuck I have issues need to get it out bleed it out trauma death get it out before suicide consumed in Fear constant fear of everything world ocean land mountains volcanos spewing red orange fiery liquid destroying people stars galaxy outer space blackness flooding in a sea of blackness tired too young to die tired lame fail cant fail no more failure done.

Death

Death pain love blood need blood need pain No! Need you I’m better than this person Independence need time tears so many tears regret bad decisions Hate for self but not hate like for the past new hate. Hate I can handle I can manage. New life self discovering independence making it on my own walls walls big brick walls surrounding my very being wreck them tear them down I’m ready to open up. Ready to move forward. Fuck the past its in the past you I just want you need you crave you Forgiveness need Forgiveness talk speak I need to talk Apologies and tears so many tears crystal oceans running down my face Yellow forgiveness so sorry you’ll never know how sorry shouldn’t have done this every day of forever to make it up to you sorry sorry sorry sorry love ♥ need love need you broken heart longing loneliness sadness pissed off stupid stupid me fuck what the hell was I thinking nervous stupid pride fuck pride stubbornness is death.

Hurt

hurt pain rubber bands snap snap snap not enough need more blood need blood fresh crimson tide flowing from white milky skin so beautiful sun yellow orange warmth acceptance love hate tragedy romeo and Juliet suicide always suicide no other way out i need it now now now no i'm better than that broken jaded trauma so much trauma need help independence cant ask for help cant do it need to be strong need to be independent do it on your own fractured mentality skewed reality what is up what is down i don't understand anything anymore nothing makes sense its all so confusing spiraling downward smack hit the concrete grey rough cold so cold always cold need medicine doctor hate doctor don't go